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The
Power of Sorry
Think
of a time when you delivered a meaningful sorry
which transformed a
relationship
Dealing
with hurt
An apology is one of the
masterful ways of dealing with the hurts and suffering of others when this hurt
is wholly or partially caused by another. You may not even fully appreciate the nature of the
other's hurt to apologise.
A
well-placed and authentic apology can do wonders for healing the fabric
relationships between people, cultures, organisations and nations. It often
reflects a shift in the power basis within relationships, provides an avenue for
restorative justice and opens the way for forgiveness. All these Build
relationships
Conflict
almost always involves hurt so meaningful apologies are ideally part of all
conflict resolution processes. This can not only assist in resolving conflict, but also in strengthening relationships.
A
Well delivered, comprehensive sorry should be a key part of restorative justice
systems.
Types
of Sorry
Apologies
can be:
They
can be delivered to an individual, group or nation.
In
reference to the 'stolen generation', I would like to apologise on behalf of
this government and the people of Australia for the terrible harms inflected on
Aboriginal and Torres Straight Islander people by the misguided policies of former Australian governments ...
Intentional
and unintentional hurts
If
the following two criteria are present, consider giving an apology:
1.
Pain &/or suffering has been experienced
2. You or someone you represent has in some way contributed to that pain
&/or suffering
Even
if you didn't mean to hurt the other person, they were hurt (or are still
hurting), you were involved, and you have an opportunity to help
reduce their hurt and to improve your relationship.
However,
it may be important to express the category of hurt - eg:
Unintentional
-
accidental
-
careless
-
thoughtless
-
unavoidable
Intentional
(fear lies beneath many of the emotions below)
-
mean
-
vindictive
-
greed
-
power
(abuse)
Steps
in saying sorry
1. Manage your
emotional state
If you have hostile
emotional states, acknowledge them and find ways to put these on hold or to rise
above them. Connect with your higher values (eg love, compassion, humanity,
humility, greatness, benevolence, peace, understanding and empathy). See your
own hostility as an expression of fear and replace with love. Take time out to
recompose yourself and to allow the other to recompose to enable peace
talks.
2. See things
through their eyes
Leave your own self and
be 'other focused'.
Understand their position and their world view.
Connect with their
emotional feelings and the feelings which may be under those emotions
presenting.
Use an initial statement
of intent to understand,
"I'd like to understand things from your perspective"
Use reflective listening
techniques to understand their content and feelings,
"So you're saying (content)..."
"You seem to be feeling (feeling word)..."
Identify any
hurts
(accidentally, unintentionally or otherwise) you may have inflicted on the
other.
You may need to ask about the nature of their hurt or injury
3. Accept
responsibility
for your part in these hurts.
This has to be in your heart as well as your head.
4. Express your
apology, remorse
Your body language and
tone of voice should be congruent with the content of your words. Possibly use
touch and eye contact if appropriate.
Say sorry for
what you did and their resulting hurt/pain/suffering. Be specific.
"I'm sincerely
sorry for the harsh tone of voice I used on you earlier. I can see that it
really disturbed and frightened you..."
If others have also
contributed to this pain, be specific that you are saying sorry for your
contribution rather than all the pain, but don't discuss the role of others any
further.
If the person you are
apologising to has caused you pain, now is not the time to raise this.
"I know others
also contributed to what happened to you, but I just want to apologise for my
part in this"
5. Category
Include
whether it was accidental, unintentional, careless, thoughtless, nasty,
revengeful, etc
"The way I treated you was unacceptable, unnecessary and thoughtless..."
or
"I didn't mean to hurt you in this way, it really was
unintentional..."
Resist the temptation to
explain any mitigating circumstances at this point. You are first simply
acknowledging your part in their pain/hurt.
Restate in
summary what you are sorry for (your action, their pain).
6. Commit to
changing (not
doing it again)
Saying sorry for being late becomes very meaningless when you're late again the
next day
Mobilise your highest
values and express your resolution
to do things differently and better next time.
7. Listen to their
response
Allow space for them to
respond. They may be angry, upset or confused, may not want to accept your
apology or they may respond more favourably. Use reflective listening techniques
to let them know you've heard what they've said. If appropriate, validate their
feelings:
"you sound really upset about this which I can understand..."
Again, resist defending or justifying yourself at this stage.
8. Restoration
Harm has been done to
the person.
Harm has been done to your relationship with the person.
If there is restoration of both of these harms, there is much less need for
revenge.
"Is there anything
I can do to make up for the suffering I've caused you?" or
"While I can't change what I've done, I'd like to give you (or do for you)
.... to acknowledge this harm and to compensate in some way for it"
"I know this has
cause harm to our relationship, is there something I can do to make things
better between us?" or
"Can I take you out to dinner (or something they would like which involves
both of you) to make it up to you and to help us get over this?
9 Explanations,
Justifications, Excuses
If you feel there are
mitigating circumstances or some sort of justification, you might explain them
now. Often, if you've done the previous steps well, you may not want or need to
explain yourself any further.
If you choose to give
some excuse, make sure that you also restate:
- acknowledgement of their pain & possible damage to your relationship with
them
- your desire to make it
up to them
- your commitment to
doing things differently & better next time.
10. Forgiveness
Forgiveness can help
both them and you. It's something you're requesting of them.
The best chance for forgiveness
will come after you've done the preceding steps.
However, you can forgive
without doing any of the preceding steps.
Can you forgive me for
hurting you this way?
11. Make up
Express how you feel the
relationship is now.
"I'm so glad we had
this discussion, I feel we are much closer now (or back on track etc)"
Use physical touch such
as a hug or handshake if appropriate.
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